The Journey
I've come to the realization that much of my journey is spiritual. Perhaps it always has been, and perhaps that is how it was always meant to be. What else can help us better understand those abstract fears which cling to our hearts - of purpose, of creation, of death - than to surrender to the spirit? It is these fears which have long driven me to shy away from spiritual exploration, lest the answer be even more terrifying than even my fears could imagine. Despite this, I am forever drawn to those dark, unanswered questions. Questions I've had ever since I was old enough to have questions at all.
My experience and fears do not come from a void, however. I was raised one way, and slowly introduced to more ways as I grew older.
Like many curious minds, I was raised in a Christian family. I have great love and respect for the teachings of Jesus, but I often felt something was missing...either from the religion itself or from the community in which I lived. Either way, I felt driven away from the practice and followed my instinct to keep questioning and not to rule anything out until I had explored the entire realm of human experience.
After all, I could never share with the Christian community my strange, supernatural experiences. The voices I heard at night, whispering around me - begging me for help, or otherwise seeming to pray for help as if my mind had been tuned in to the wrong wavelength - scared me. I worried I was broken, and that asking anyone about it would reveal me to be crazy and result in medication or other "therapies". Not a single person around me ever spoke about such things, but a part of me intuitively knew that I could not speak about this.
Nor I could I speak about the dreams in which my soul had been lifted away and transported to another world, where the trees seemed to sing with lights and three lone witches guarded their domain with peace and wisdom; and where I was shown the truth in my life that -despite the challenges I faced with them at the time - my family needed me and I needed to be there for them.
And so it seemed, at the same time that one door opened it was closed again behind me so that I might learn what purpose I still had yet to serve.
Even now, as I learn more about other paths, I am left feeling like I do not belong to any - or that, perhaps, I belong to all. I am not sure yet where my true belonging or purpose lie, but I hope that by finally accepting my fate to be ever-questioning and exploring, I can help discover the same sensations of peace and love that I felt once in a singing forest long ago.
My experience and fears do not come from a void, however. I was raised one way, and slowly introduced to more ways as I grew older.
Like many curious minds, I was raised in a Christian family. I have great love and respect for the teachings of Jesus, but I often felt something was missing...either from the religion itself or from the community in which I lived. Either way, I felt driven away from the practice and followed my instinct to keep questioning and not to rule anything out until I had explored the entire realm of human experience.
After all, I could never share with the Christian community my strange, supernatural experiences. The voices I heard at night, whispering around me - begging me for help, or otherwise seeming to pray for help as if my mind had been tuned in to the wrong wavelength - scared me. I worried I was broken, and that asking anyone about it would reveal me to be crazy and result in medication or other "therapies". Not a single person around me ever spoke about such things, but a part of me intuitively knew that I could not speak about this.
Nor I could I speak about the dreams in which my soul had been lifted away and transported to another world, where the trees seemed to sing with lights and three lone witches guarded their domain with peace and wisdom; and where I was shown the truth in my life that -despite the challenges I faced with them at the time - my family needed me and I needed to be there for them.
And so it seemed, at the same time that one door opened it was closed again behind me so that I might learn what purpose I still had yet to serve.
Even now, as I learn more about other paths, I am left feeling like I do not belong to any - or that, perhaps, I belong to all. I am not sure yet where my true belonging or purpose lie, but I hope that by finally accepting my fate to be ever-questioning and exploring, I can help discover the same sensations of peace and love that I felt once in a singing forest long ago.
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